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ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT RELATIONSHIP
I know men who looked dry and dull during their years in the wilderness of bachelorhood. Literally like they had been on a steady diet of sand and bones but once a good woman walked into their lives, lo and behold, everything changed. When a good woman arrives, men’s fortunes change, they get polished.
Unfortunately, the reverse is also true. Woe unto you oh blind simpleton if you choose to marry a discouraging, disrespectful, contentious battle ax. Your fortunes will dwindle, your hairline will recede, your collarbone will be robbed of flesh and your eyeballs will pop out like popcorns. You will chew your nails until they are no more and will talk to yourself as you walk on the road alone. Your misery will know no bounds. You will dread going home and you will be robbed of your peace. In short, you will be finished.
A number of people get married without proper knowledge and insight on the nature of the institute they are walking into. If employers insist on a certain degree of experience and training before they get into an employer-employee relationship with anyone, surely some study and training ought to be done before jumping the broom. The casual attitude with which some people approach marriage might be the same reason why the divorce rate has spiraled out of control. Once the honeymoon expires, many begin to sleep on a bed made of thorns and live in a house full of broken glass.
In light of this I thought I would pen down a few thoughts on my perspective of what any right thinking man ought to check for when looking for a potential bride.
There are days when things will only work in your life when you pray. Regardless of how smart or connected you are, sometimes prayer is the only way forward. In such times, a man needs someone who can stand with him when he decides to call on heaven to come through for him. You need a lady who prays for you. A lady who tarries in prayer for your family and knows that any future that is built on God will last and is worth more than a ton of gold.
And so I want a God fearing woman, not a religious one. I want a woman who genuinely loves God and not one who confesses Him with her lips but rejects Him in her heart.
People are different. And marriage is made up of two different people becoming one. There is bound to be rough edges that need to be made straight. To make the process seamless, there must be some level of compatibility in terms of interests, vision, temperament etc. I have listed some of the qualities that are important. You can add yours here:
I’m scared, genuinely scared of marrying a confrontational woman. Now that men’s “transformers” are being destroyed in Nyeri, woe unto all who choose to marry someone who has the potential to discontinuing a man’s lineage. Why should I sleep with one eye open?
I dread the prospect of having to come home to a pugnacious woman who has been impatiently stirring the pot of war all day waiting for me to arrive so that she can serve me the deadly brew of her belligerence. I want a woman whose words are seasoned with peace and love. A woman whose gentle kindness reminds me of the Rachel in the Bible who out of the kindness of her heart offered her husband-to-be, Jacob, a drink of cold water when she first met him at a well, worn out by his grueling journey across the desert in search of a bride. I want a gentle soul. Correction I need a gentle soul. All men do. My fervent prayer is that I would never cross paths with women who have taken an oath to live a life of hostility and verbal combat.
Regardless of the magnitude of any disagreement, a good woman is one who always seeks to make her relationship better by amicably seeking solutions for any challenges her marriage may face. I want a woman who wears peace on her head all the time like a mukurino wears a turban. The ultimate reason for raising any issue should be to have things resolved and made better.
I must admit that there is something admirable about a woman who is both intelligent and beautiful. There is a level of charm and appeal that only a woman who is intelligent can have. Our society now gives limited applause to women who have invested in their minds and who are achieving incredible things in fields that require them to apply their acumen.
There is something irresistible about a woman who loves to curl up on a sofa with a good book in her hand. The message she speaks is that I love my mind and it’s the greatest resource I have. I can easily entrust my children into the hands of a woman who loves knowledge.
Men, do yourself a favor and find a woman who amazes you with an ability to pick life skills from written resources and to apply them. Find a woman who boggles your mind with her passion for knowledge and her openness towards learning new things. The kind of woman I want had better love history and literature. Nothing beats the fun of talking about the American civil war, the crusaders, Clara Barton, the French revolution among other beautiful stories of the past.
It’s amazing how men are instinctively reciprocal. Respect yourself and they will respect you back. Some ladies plant hectares of disrespect and wait to harvest a good husband. The same concept we learned in agriculture applies here. What you plant is exactly what you will harvest.
Look for a woman who looks up to you. A woman who genuinely respects you whether you are a CEO of a listed company or a charcoal dealer in Gikomba. Look for a woman who conceals your weakness in public and complements you. A respectful woman who will not exploit your weaknesses deserves to be wifed. But I must add that respect is personal. Whatever one considers disrespectful might not be for other people.
Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect. If it’s not based on respect, it probably won’t last very long.
A ride or die kind of a lady is extremely attractive. It’s said that luck is not having a thousand friends but having one friend who will stay with you for a thousand years. The support and devotion of a good woman will make even the most cowardly of men brave. That bravery will consequently give him the spirit of self-sacrifice and the spirit of self-sacrifice is what makes a man.
It would be extremely tragic if your spouse is the one who always leads your detractors in pouring cold water on your projects and initiatives. You need a woman who will defend you in public even when you are wrong but then give you her divergent views when the two of you are alone. Words are like bullets, once they are released, nobody can take them back and the damage they cause can be great. Marry a supportive woman!!
Find someone you are comfortable looking at. We have always been told that a spouse is made up of character. That’s absolutely true, but it must be lovely to look at someone you are going to spend the rest of your life living with. Regardless of how they look, find someone you are absolutely attracted to and you are crazy about. When you see them, you feel goose bumps taking over your body.
In Ayelet Waldman, Love and Other Impossible Pursuits novel, she notes the following, “Love & Marriage are about work & Compromise. They’re about seeing someone for what he/she is, being disappointed and deciding to stick around anyway. They’re about commitment and comfort, not some kind of sudden, hysterical recognition.” And that is very profound. You want someone who knows how flawed you are but without approving the flaws gently leads you to a place of improvement. You want a person who is willing to make concessions when crucial decisions are about to be made. A good wife cultivates the fruit of patience over time for the sake of the family because men can sometimes be work. Look at marriages that have stood the storms of life and you will notice that the wife was patient. A hardliner will tear apart the marriage.
It would be tragic if she walks away in the sight of a small problem. She always threatens you with divorce or abandoning you when trouble comes your way. A woman who is patient and determined to make the marriage work will certainly do so.
Any reasonable man would bend over backward for a woman who possesses the above qualities. He would go to extreme lengths to be the man she needs him to be. I understand the sort of inspiration that must have led Bruno Mars to write a song about catching a grenade for a girl. I will gladly do that daily for a woman of this caliber. Such a woman can transform a shy man into a poet and inspire an ordinary man to shed off mediocrity and reach the heights of greatness. I will let this matter rest with the words of Martin Luther
“Let the wife make her husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.”